Speechless

One post so far in 2018.  Ok, well.  It is what it is.  Most often I don't know what to write because I don't know how to express what I'm feeling or thinking.  I'm saddened by several situations going on right now, both personally and professionally.  I'm angry and upset about a lot of things, and this unfortunately, comes out in every day conversations with co-workers, friends, and family - so they get to see the tears and the lack of patience with people in general, and hear the sharp pointed words that can come from me - yes, me.

The number of children recently who have been harmed by their caregivers is foremost on my mind and when I go back and read this someday, I don't want to forget these names:  Evan Brewer, who was killed by his mother's violent and sick boyfriend - and also by her unwillingness to stand up for her child; Lucas Hernandez, who is still missing after several weeks, and whose stepmother, Emily Glass, is incarcerated.  No break in the case, but he suffered at her hands as well as those of his own absentee biological mother who was on drugs, and, his father, working out of town for long stretches at a time.  Also recently, a 6 month old baby, Jazz was recently killed by his father, Dorl Gwynn, after he "roughhoused" with him.  Finally, a 13 year old boy walked to a Wichita police substation to report that 9 children in his home were being physically and sexually abused by Eric McFadden.  They are now in protective custody.

That is all I can write about this now.  It is heart rendering.

Late Late Late

Lots of things on my mind this evening.  If I went to bed, most likely I would just toss and turn, so we'll try creating a boring blog post and see if that helps. 

January has been a pressure cooker month for me at work.  Lots of things to do, but not only that,
a couple of these tasks are not normal ordinary things, these are work duties which are unusual and not in the realm of what I consider par for the course.  I can't write details of course, although I really want to.  Let's just say that the situations I am facing this month are stressful and there's no way around it except to go through it - once I'm on the other side, it'll be back to whatever "normal" is for the kind of work I do.  But how does one prepare oneself to walk through the fire?  That indeed is the $50.00 question.  I feel a little like tiny David facing big Goliath - if only I had his courage - the courage of a warrior, the heart of a lion, the persona of a - oh wait.  David was a shepherd, and a young shepherd at that.  What gave David the chutzpah to tackle Goliath was his unshakable confidence and faith in the LORD God, the LORD who he served, who he placed his trust in, who he  unabashedly spoke about to Goliath saying, "This day, the LORD will deliver you, Goliath, into my hands..." 

This is my 12th year doing this job.  This year, above all others, has been the most difficult, the most stressful, the most unrelenting, the most pressure, the worst.  Yes, the worst.  There is no relief in sight until the end of May, and maybe not then.  I feel like I have been trudging, one foot in front of the other each 10 hour work day.  Tiredness of brain and body leaves me feeling unequipped, ill-prepared, nervous, and anxious. 

David the boy.  Goliath the giant.  Confidence in the living God slays not only this giant but all the ones after this one, ones I'm sure I can't even imagine.  It's not due to my superior slingshot abilities, oh no.  It's a reminder that there is a strength that's not my own, fortitude that is founded in hope, and perseverance which comes in continuing to stand.  I'll look back someday and read this post, and wonder what all this was about.  In the meantime, I rest in God's ability to provide exactly what I need in these trying circumstances.  Good night all. 

Temporal vs. Eternal

This last work week ended on Friday with a parent meeting which was one of the most intense, dramatic, and challenging I have ever been a part of.  I walked out Friday evening feeling exhausted and run over - but the second I drove away from school, I began to try to put things in perspective.  Toxic people can only spread their poison when they are allowed to do so.  Easier said than done, I know, because it can overtake even the most grounded person if not dealt with carefully.   It still hurt last night when I went to bed.

Today - not so much.  We had an extra rehearsal for "Messiah" this morning.  Standing to sing "Worthy is the Lamb", I realized that I not only was joining a multitude of voices who have sung this chorus before, but I also was singing with those who have gone on to glory, who right then were saying these very words before a Heavenly throne... "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honor, and glory, and blessing."

The angry parent faded away.  The hurtful words faded away.  I know who I am - I know Who loves me.  I know Whom I have believed.  I know Who I belong to.  I know Who my Father is.  I know.  I'm grateful for this reminder.  This is why I continue to sing Messiah every year and as long as I can, I will.  The music and words transcend all earthly agonies and help me focus on the glories of eternity which I cannot begin to imagine.

More Musings

Had another "brain event" on Sunday, October 1.  It's the weirdest thing and so hard to describe to someone who has never had a seizure.  It's truly the brain on overload, and then, there are things that have to happen in recouperation.  Today was the first day I worked a full day and all was well. 

According to the handsome neurologist, there were several things contributing to this seizure, sort of like the perfect storm.  Meds were increased and a sternly worded exhortation was heard regarding signs and symptoms which I overlooked in the busyness of life.  He does not expect me to have another one with this med increase, particularly if I take care of myself and note when I may be having signs indicating future problems.  I'm fortunate, I had warning time before this one, and actually, had I been paying attention, I had about 2 days of warning signs.

In other news, I'm continuing to try to stay off of Facebook at least with the commenting I COULD
be doing, and I've cut way back on posting statuses.  It is not worth it to me to be misunderstood or to unintentionally hurt someone's feelings while I'm passionately defending or promoting a position.   I'm also in the process of just letting several things go - water under the bridge - my job here is to live at peace, especially with those I call family.  Living a quiet, peaceful life just trusting God minute by minute is the challenge and is a lifestyle I long to emulate.  Dying to self and selfish desires, including the desire to be heard on every topic which is posted will be a life-long quest for me. 

In the meantime, things I could have posted but didn't (I feel I can do that here because no one reads this blog):

In 11 years of doing this job, I've never seen so many broken children at my base school.  It is heartbreaking and stressful.

Love this weather - we finally got rain, but it's almost too warm for October!

Really?  Pumpkin spice underwear?

NFL players - you can stand or kneel, I don't care.  Just do your job.  And no matter your opinions, I hope you are volunteering and making a difference in your corner of the world.  You have been given much, much will be required from you.  You are role models.  Live responsibly and faithfully to what you've been called to do.

There's no tired like a good tired, and a good rest.

In the middle of the night, I wake up and hear music in my head.  It's a great comfort to me.

See ya next time.

Changes

We are off in a running start for the new school year, which began August 21.  We have 10 or more kids with Tier 3 behavior and now, I get to wear a walkie with an earpiece so that I can help if needed.  Our Tier 3 babies are in crisis - some are in foster care, some are traumatized by violence, abuse, or parental issues, and some are mentally ill.  We absolutely do not have enough staff to handle all our issues and that's where the stress in this job comes in.  I've increased blood pressure meds because I'm feeling pretty anxious, but all in all, I think I'm doing ok.  Just a lot of work, and long days - 10-11 hours are the norm.

We've also had an unfortunate situation in our close family where some misunderstanding occurred and things got out of hand on a Facebook post.  I have decided to boot Facebook from my life for awhile and not post anything nor respond to anything - although I do check it for pictures posted and for info from our local newspaper.  Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth the heartache it can sometimes cause - and I'm including myself in this.  My desire is never ever to hurt another person with words, but it's so easy to do that inadvertently on Facebook.  I have missed it because I like posting status updates - I may have to do that here.  Here are a few I've thought of but didn't post:

A kindergarten student asked me twice today - "Are you my mommy?"  I would have liked to have said yes to that lil punkin, but he already has a mom in his life - he certainly doesn't need two.

The Cowboys sure got smacked by the Broncos.  Blech.

Payton Manning's latest commercial called "The Commish" is pretty good.  I kinda like that guy.  He looks like he's enjoying retirement.

Anybody else enjoy hearing the sound of train whistles?

My sister is posting some old pics of us as kids various photos of family life growing up in the 40's, 50's, and 60's.  Thinking about mom and dad a lot these days - still miss them after all these years.

Started rehearsals for "Messiah" with Wichita Choral Society.  It's like "coming home".

I gave up on my 1000 piece puzzle.  I'm a failure, unlike several others I know who can do this successfully and in only a few days/weeks.

And that's all from me.  Happy trails.

May 30, 2017

I shouldn't really post when I'm feeling so rotten (seasonal cold/allergies/misery/congestion/cough/headache) because that tends to color perception but here goes anyway.

Lots going on with my family - kids and their spouses are all at challenging places in their lives.  Making the transition from parent to confidant, adviser, and friend is so difficult at times but so necessary in order to make sure your kids are in charge of their own decisions - and letting them make those decisions and stand for the consequences is when maturity is developed.  Like their mom and dad, they will make both good and poor decisions so the challenge is to be the soft place for them to fall without enabling.  My parents both passed away when I was 31 so having an adult relationship with the people who raised you is something I haven't had much experience with.

Doing some work on the house - painting, replacing siding, etc.  We are rethinking our decision to move for several reasons, but we'll see what's on the horizon.  This summer, my days are filled with working some addendum weeks for the school district, gardening, spending time with my grands, getting things together for the hugest garage sale ever, going to a family reunion, reading, studying, etc.  I can't imagine how I will fill retirement days in 3.5 years but it'll be here before I know it and then - a new chapter in life.

Thought for the day:  we are indeed building up treasures in heaven, not here on earth - where my treasure is, that's where my priorities are.

Rain and More Rain and Other Nonsense

It's been dreary, windy, cold, and rainy the last 4000 days.  Well, not that many but it seems like it.  It's amazing how one's spirits can be lifted when the sun is out, or, the opposite - when it's miserable weather for several days - then one can be miserable in attitude to go along with it.

It's nearing the end of the year and as always, the question looms - an entire special education "elephant" must be eaten in just a few weeks and one must be careful to manage one's time so that everything is done by May 17.  I have applied to work an addendum contract this summer because expenses regarding a possible selling of our house are going to be needed - so, unlike other years, when the last day comes, it won't be the last day for me (if the application goes through).  I love love love having summers off, but out of necessity, routines indeed must change.

So in a few days, my oldest will be 37.  I remember the day of her birth as if it were yesterday - and to have a child that's on the downhill slide to 40 is almost inconceivable for me.  Nevertheless, it's 2017 and life marches on.

Thankful today for this life.  Thankful for home and family.  That is all.

On the job difficulties - How to gain perspective.

How to gain perspective - that's been my lesson not only this past week, but for many months now as I spend time in a work environment which is frustrating and stressful in many ways. To work where there is no mutual respect, understanding, or trust is to invite lots of issues into your life unless you can develop strategies to deal with such dysfunction.  So here's what I have learned, and am continuing to learn about how to manage this without coming apart at the seams.  I hope this may be helpful to you, but really, I think writing it will be extremely helpful for my own sanity and peace of mind, which brings me to the first bullet point:

• Peace can and must be obtained by not allowing the circumstances to take control of your outlook.  What destroys calm assurance and confidence is allowing other people's actions to dictate what you will feel, what you will think, and how you will act.  When emotions are stirred, people can quickly become heated, hurtful, or helpless.  None of these is an ideal response in the workplace.
• Stay out of the drama.  Do your job, but as far as you can, do not participate in unhelpful discussion or negativity.  
• Be the same person wherever you are.  Don't be hypocritical - you will lose any credibility you once had.
• Understand what you cannot do.  You cannot nor should you strive to:  change someone else, make someone do something they should do, completely trust someone who has shown themselves to be untrustworthy, or participate in passive-aggressive speech or activities.  Also, you cannot take responsibility for the way someone else performs (or doesn't perform) their job duties.  In your sphere of influence and in the circle of your responsibilities, you make sure all is well with what you are doing but in dealing with people who have no interest in doing their jobs well, let it go.  You can't change it.  
• Draw strength from others who are positive, supportive, and encouraging, but don't bring them down by whining about your situation.  
• If your supervisor is dysfunctional, document what you need to, know when you need help and then seek advice, but only from an extremely trustworthy person.  Don't vent to everybody. Not everyone who listens sympathetically is your friend, and you will regret it.  Be careful about who you talk to. 
• If you cannot work with the dysfunctionality, begin looking for open doors somewhere else. 
• Take care of yourself.  Fill your soul with what you need in order to survive.  Listen to music, pray, seek God's help, enjoy nature, exercise, refresh your spirit, find grace, focus on being kind.   

I hope this will be helpful to you - it was good for me to write about this.  I hope my situation will be resolved in several weeks and will write more about that as it gets closer.  In the meantime, it's just taking one day, one hour, one minute at a time and not allowing dysfunctional situations/people to steal and rob from me and you what is precious - peace, joy, and purpose in doing a job well no matter what.    

Time to Post

Good evening.  I started this blog in 2006, and just reviewed some of the postings from the beginning.  Some years I posted a lot, other years, i.e., 2013, I posted only 3 times.  This year may be similar, we'll see.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what's going on.  Started on a new drug
for diabetes but I have to confess that I'm so tired of poking myself 4 times daily to check blood sugar and 4 times daily to inject insulin  except for Mondays when I inject medicine 5 times - on Monday I take a 3rd kind of med to help with the out of control blood sugars I'm experiencing.  Thankfully it's only once a week.

I'm tired of watching every single thing I eat, and thinking about how many carbs it has.  I'm tired of always thinking about weight issues, food issues, sugar issues, medicine issues, exercise issues, insulin issues.  It could be worse, I know.  But there are days, I confess, I don't want to deal with it any more.

Well - before I really get to going off on a tangent, I'm heading to bed. I will turn my heart to thankfulness - thankful for home, safety, warmth, family - thankful for God's grace and mercy, and I'm thankful for the ability to work, to volunteer and to enjoy friendships.  Thank you God.

Post #2

"Beloved Kansas "
"A compilation of pictures and stories of rural and small town Kansas life."

Don't you think that's a great title for a book?

I do.  It's a project in the dream stage.

January 1, 2017

Really.  It's 2017.  Really.  I haven't written a blog post in eons (I think last September).  Why is that, I ask myself.  I enjoy writing.  I've been told I CAN write.  For some reason, I am not able to find time to do so, or perhaps, in all honesty, I have time, but I either don't think about it, or, I feel I have nothing to share.  I have to get over that nobody reads this blog - however, that doesn't really matter to me.  This remains an amazing way to share thoughts and musings - sort of a public diary if you will.  And that constraint is always in my thoughts - it is public.

2017.  I'm looking at retirement in 4 years - perhaps I'll have a few blog posts done by that time.  Every year is presented as a package wrapped up with a bow, and sometimes, the unwrapping is a joyful occasion and sometimes it isn't.  62 years old, and I'm in the 3rd quarter of life (if I live to be 100).  You work all your life for the opportunity to retire and do what you've always wanted to do and for me, that time is fast approaching.

I love my life.  Watching my adult children live their lives, make their own decisions, and yes, even struggle with life is interesting.  The wisdom of my years tells me that without struggle, life is not deep enough, not felt enough, not rich enough, not LIVED enough.  It is so necessary for my kids to go through this, just like I did, and my parents before me.  It's what happens when your kids are middle and older teenagers.  They MUST encounter obstacles and seemingly insurmountable challenges in order to be able to function as adults in this life - and in fact, I wish I would see even at the elementary level more parents willing to let their kids experience natural consequences of life.  Recently a parent of an elementary student was upset at a "D" grade, stating that their child was unable to do grade level work because of poor organizational skills.  This parent expected the school to come up with plan usually reserved for students with disabilities in order to be able to help the child succeed, and, asked the teacher to change the grade to what the child would have earned would this plan have been in place.  I understand organizational challenges - I have them myself - however, the school is not the parent.  Something tells me that there's a lot of parents who are bailing kids out every single day because consequences are one thing they don't want their child to experience.

And don't get me started on parents who complete their child's homework/projects for them.

Off the soapbox - how did I get started on that of all things.  THIS is why I don't blog.  Too much disorganization in my thinking!  For the odd rare reader who finds this blog, may your 2017 be one of growth for you.  Remember to feed your body, feed your mind, and feed your soul - and feed quality nourishment which will help foster maturity.  Blessings to you.

Just Life

Life handed out some pretty interesting challenges last week and in the midst of all, I thought of the words, "When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay."  Do you ever just get so tired that it seems there's never enough rest?  Never enough sleep?  Never enough rejuvenating, rebuilding, renewal?  When we get this far down, it's a long way back up.  It's a long way to see the faint bit of sunlight that remains - and you're just too weary to think about that reach.

I'm just needing to go to bed before I get more morose - I know that in the future I'll read this and wonder what big burden weighed so upon me.  It is enough for now to say it's there, and to say as the hymnwriter, "Even so, it is well, it is well with my soul."

The pressure is enormous - sleep is a relief.  Monday morning comes in a few hours - and may God be us all.

August 1

Well, it's August 1. It's been a busy, sorta weird out of the ordinary summer.  My son got married, which was the BIG thing - so I got to add another daughter to my growing household.  I've had cataract surgery on one eye and am getting ready to have it on the other eye in another week or so.  It's been hot hot hot, garden has not done well.  No tomatoes.  No beans.  A few cukes, a few beets, some potatoes and onions, and that's been about it.

In other minutia:
I heard on the news last night that it's time to start your kids on their new sleep schedules to prepare for the beginning of school, but I've got news for you, it's not only kids that need that, it's me too.  Because I tend to stay up late and then want to sleep late, I've got to get back to going to bed earlier and getting up earlier.  My new schedule has me doing that starting today.

I need to change the frogs' water today - it's starting to reek.  Yes, for some reason I ended up with two African clawed frogs - they've been kind of fun to watch.  Next summer I'm "gifting" them to my brother who has a pond in his back yard - they can grow into monsters there.  But for now, they are just enjoying my little 3 gallon aquarium - which reminds me, I need to buy a net as I can hardly catch them any more and once I do - they are slippery wiggly things I can't hang on to very well.

Family reunion at Rock Springs 4H camp went well.  I appreciated visiting with all I don't get to see very often.  Hug your family today - tell them you love them.

And from this spot in my tiny corner of the world, inhabited by a spouse, aquatic frogs, a struggling garden, kids, kid in laws, and grandkids, I wish you a good day!

Happiness?

I was asked yesterday if I am generally a happy person.  This was followed by an enlightening conversation regarding what happiness is and isn't, examples of who might be happy people, and whether we ourselves thought we were happy in life.  Is happiness the absence of sadness or is it more than that?  Is it a choice?  Are some people just more disposed to be happy than others?  Is it important that we are happy?  Is happiness different than joy or contentment?

I'm afraid no answers were forthcoming, however, it was interesting to think about this.  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator by certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness..."

I answered the question that I thought maybe I was more of an unhappy person - however, now I'm not so sure that's the case.  There are always things we would like to change, things we would like to be in control of, circumstances which are not ideal.  But somehow, happiness comes anyway, in moments which are both unexpected and fortuitous.

My yard generally makes me happy, but not for several weeks as hot weather has set in, and it needs hours and hours of attention.  This decreases my motivation and my happiness with how things are at the moment- but when I discover a small green tomato on a plant that appears to be thriving anyway - this makes me happy.

Gotta get to work before the heat comes.  Thinking about these things.

Questions Not for the Faint Hearted

It's June 22, and about a week and few days out from a mass shooting in Orlando Florida which claimed 49 lives at a nightclub.  Headlines for awhile.  Here in Kansas we've had a shooting recently at a manufacturing plant in Hesston.  And always, the subject of gun control comes around.

I, frankly, am not on either side of this issue.  I can see both sides, and I lean both directions, depending.  I am a partner in life with a man who is solidly in favor of no gun control, so we have had some interesting discussions.  I have a feeling we will never agree on this issue, so we try not to get into it very often.

Gun control is a complex issue, but often both sides will make statements which "nutshell" their positions and appear to offer platitudes regarding what we need to do.  Christians who expound on this topic, either sharing on Facebook or writing blogs or writing articles for Christian journals have widely varying opinions ranging from making all arms available to anyone who wants to buy them to outlawing all firearms everywhere.  And each side uses the Bible and the teachings of Jesus to make their respective points, which I find interesting.  Questions I've never been able to settle for myself on this issue include the following:  The constitution states we have a right to bear arms, but which arms?  Does that include me getting a cannon if my neighbor has a cannon and points it at my house?  Are semi-automatic/automatic guns used in hunting?  What is the purpose of a weapon of this nature?  Are there people better armed than what our police force is?  How would one in a practical way keep guns out of the hands of those who would misuse them, and who knows who that would be?  Would Jesus own a firearm?  If not, why do I need one?  If Jesus would own a firearm would He use it to kill someone if he was protecting a family member?  Would Jesus be a collector of guns? Would He kill a deer and eat it?  Owning a gun implies that you would use it in order to disarm/maim/kill someone who was threatening you in some way.  Can a person who is told to live at peace do that?

So there you go.  Questions about guns at 11:30pm.  I don't know what to do about undocumented immigrants ("illegal aliens") either, but it's too late to think about that.  Everything I think about and hold an opinion of has to go through my filter of - what does the Bible say, what would Jesus do, what do my Christian faith and values tell me, and how do I live as a resident of another kingdom but an alien here in this world - I'm someone who doesn't belong here - this is not my home.  But in the meantime, the question is, to quote philosopher and thinker Francis Schaeffer, "How Shall We Then Live?"

Sunday Evening

"Sunday night - when the stress of the previous week comes back to haunt you and the unforeseen stress of the week looming ahead is already on your mind."

I was going to post this on Facebook, but then - I decided not to. It's not only depressing, but it completely leaves out what I SHOULD be doing instead of stressing about my stress.

Last week was just awful. Stress in every environment - home, work, and church was at a much higher level than what I normally deal with due to circumstances mostly out of my control. I've spent a lot of time feeling unwell, with churning insides and an achy head. I've ruminated, thought, and pondered. I've imagined different scenarios that haven't even happened yet. So how much of this IS in my control? Much more than I'd like to acknowledge - because, when you acknowledge that you CAN make changes in the way you handle things, then you acknowledge that you have the responsibility within your grasp to do so.

At times like these, it seems I am always being brought back to the place to recognize the difficulties that others are going through. A mother in our church lost her youngest son yesterday - an adult son, but her son nevertheless. A wife of more than 50 years is grieving the loss of a husband. A friend is struggling with cancer treatments. A work colleague of more than 8 years is in the hospital fighting for her life. This is LIFE, people. This is what life is like. I heard somebody say once that life is dealing with a problem, then handling another, then facing yet another, and each one rolls in like tumbleweeds in a stiff breeze. They pile up and pile up, and you just meet them one by one by one - and it's like that for everyone. Even kids. The stress that some kids have to cope with is mind boggling to me.

However, there is refuge. There is strength. There is power. There is healing. There is grace and mercy. There is Someone who stands along beside, and suddenly, it's His strength and His power working to provide just what is needed.

My prayer for you today, no matter what your circumstances, is that you are provided just what you need in order to put one foot in front of the other and simply move ahead in what you are called to do, walking in peace and joy, and always looking to the One who is underneath and all around.

A Life Which Continues to be Well-Lived

Mervin Troyer went to glory on March 11, 2016 at 97 years old. He was married to my aunt Dorothy, my mother's sister who went before him many years ago.  He could best be described as a man who lived life well, and a man who exemplified faith and trust in the God he knew and loved.  He was a  servant and helper, a person who knew the value of hard work, honesty and integrity.

I have said all of those things regarding Uncle Mervin, and have nodded affirmatively while others have spoken of him in such a way.  But the challenge is, if I don't learn from Mervin's life, if I don't take something away and apply it to my own, it's like looking at a reflection in a mirror - it's here, and it's gone - nothing is different.

By a life well-lived, I don't mean a life characterized by perfection, or by accumulating material possessions, or taking vacations to exotic places, or even by being well known.  I mean a life lived consistently, day after day, week after week, and year after year by these principles:

Work hard to provide for yourself and your family.
Serve others to give what you can to help however you can.
Humbly acknowledge with gratitude the life you have been given.
Have a deeply personal relationship with the God who made you.

Mervin lived all this and more each day, and even after Dorothy left this earth, he got up each day, made his bed, ate his breakfast, and then FOUND SOMETHING TO DO.  Mervin did not spend hours watching TV, Netflix, or playing on the computer.  He lived life simply, and with trust that all would be well.  I'm sure there are days he was sad, days he was lonely, days he was sorrowful, days he didn't feel like doing anything.  He was, after all, only human.  But even after he moved inside the Villa nursing care, his hands stayed busy as he made gadgets, tops, and toys. No excuses here.  You get up, you're breathing - that's a sign -  so you get busy and you DO.  Mervin found purpose in living each day just as God gave it to him.

So for me - the questions I need to be asking myself as I I consider the life of Mervin Troyer - am I working hard to provide for my family?  Am I serving others and giving what I can to help however I can and whenever I have the opportunity to do so?  Do I humbly acknowledge with gratitude this life that God gave me?  Do I have a deeply personal relationship with the God who made me?  Have I taught my children these values and have they caught the baton that I hope I've passed to them? Have I made it plain and obvious to those who know me that when I've gone to glory that this is the legacy I desire to leave behind?  

They say saints rest from their labors in glory, and perhaps they do, but somehow, I don't see Mervin sitting in a rocking chair doing nothing.  Somehow I think he is stepping on those streets with energy and purpose as he meets his Savior and finds his beloved wife, his son, his sister, his parents, his relatives, and friends.

Mervin Troyer - a life well-lived here on earth, and continuing on to be well-lived in his eternal home.  Mervin taught us great lessons - lessons of faithfulness, trust, and of looking with expectancy for what is to come for those who are the children of God.  I wouldn't wish Mervin back here for anything, however, I hope he knows what an impact he had on me - a little girl who grew up watching him simply doing what he did best - putting words into action.

First Post of 2016

February 28th - and it's the first blog post of this "new" year.  Wow.  It's not that things haven't happened - they have - it's that obviously I'm not making this exercise of the mind a priority!

Last post in December, I was home after having a "brain event" on December 1.  This event has now been diagnosed by a neurologist as a seizure, so I've been dealing with the ramifications of that since.  I am back to work and overwhelmed at work, but not driving until May 1.  Many people have offered to help me when needed and I am so appreciative.

Work is both the time I'm at school, and in the evenings and weekends at home, so I'm pretty exhausted.  BUT - blessings abound.  My grandson is growing up and is verbal - he tells me about everything.  My kids are doing well and are in a good place in their lives.  Spouse has decided NOT to retire but is looking forward to when he can.  My son and daughter in law have finished classes and training to be foster parents and have received their first placement - a darling 3 month old baby with dark hair and an uncertain future.

And me?  I am hearing birds sing outside - it's been a warm February.  I see the sun come up on a new day.  I know that my Redeemer lives and I know that one day, all will be made right.  At times grief and sorrow overwhelm me as I consider events happening in our world - as I write this, we are 3 days post a workplace shooting at the Excel Corporation in Hesston.  But as I sit here and think about the lesson I have prepared for my class at church today, I am comforted by what I read in the Psalms.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
  I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents
      of the wicked.
 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor;
  No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
 O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."   Psalm 84:10-12  NIV

Truly, our God is all we need as we live with the uncertainty and chaos that this world brings.

Monday - it's just me Lord

This morning a friend took me to breakfast before she had to be at school, and we played catch up.  I now know all the news, shared while we laughed and ate together.  She brought me some things from school staff, including a card signed by all of them and a gift card - how appreciative I am of those who are reaching out to me.  They are all so busy and things are so hectic right now so I am doubly blessed.

So after all this there is no conclusive evidence to point to what happened to me.  I can't believe that my insurance company is going to pay Wesley tens of thousands of dollars and there's not an answer to why I lost consciousness.  I am relieved, but am puzzled.  Thankfully, I am going to back to work January 4, however it seems I'm always thinking about it, hoping that it won't happen again.

We had our family Christmas gift exchange yesterday.  The old man and I so much enjoy watching our kids and kid in laws interact as friends.  Much of the time, we just observe them and marvel that they all get all so well.  The gifts that were given were thoughtful - they have truly learned the art of giving.  Of course, the "star" of the show was our grandson, who certainly knows how to rip paper off of packages.  That was almost more fun than what was contained in the box.  He enjoyed playing with his first remote controlled vehicle - a little train that wheeled around on grandma's kitchen floor.

 Speaking of Christmas, have you given yourself time to think about and ponder the meaning behind our celebrations?  The Eternal Son came wrapped in human flesh, born helpless and dependent - His life exemplifying sacrificial love from day one.  In my class at church yesterday, we "pondered" the entire chapter of Luke 2, and discussed the only record of Jesus' early years recorded in the gospels. Several times Luke says, "Mary pondered these things in her heart."

We need to spend more time pondering and less time pontificating.  More time praying and less time stewing about what we can't change.  More time thinking about how we need to meet God on His terms and less time about what our rights are.  The life we choose to lead when we choose obedience and adherence to a holy calling is difficult and not for the fainthearted.  Following up on commitment takes time and energy, and an understanding that it's not about self, nor about what we gain.  It's about what the kingdom of God gains when we give it all up for Him.

Mom

Thirty years ago this December, my mother went to heaven to be with Jesus.  I think about her a lot, even daily at times, in spite of the fact that this event happened in 1985.  She was stricken with a stroke in June of 1984 and appeared to be able to benefit from rehabilitation, however, another stroke occurred a few weeks later which caused so much damage that she never again would speak, walk, sit, eat, or take care of her own needs.  She communicated with eyegaze and at times could squeeze your hand, but this depended on the day.  A vivid memory I have is on a day that my sister was here to visit, and came to say goodbye.  As Linda walked out the door , mom turned her head to follow her, her brow furrowed, and tears flowed from her eyes.  I hadn't at that point seen her turn her head, but I had from time to time seen moisture on her face.  At times, she was so aware of people around her but so unable to communicate - however, I think in this instance, she willed herself to try to express what she was feeling.

So today, I woke up and thought of her.  I was already bemoaning the long day which stretched before me - I am here pretty much alone from early morning on - and I wasn't looking forward to it.  But then, thoughts of mom came to the surface.  For more than a year, she laid in a bed, totally dependent on others to help take care of her every need, even moistening her mouth with swabs because it became very dry and she was not able to swallow anything.  (The last food I saw her eat was some green beans from her garden I brought her in the hospital after her first stroke.  "These are good!", she told me.  I remember thinking I was so glad I brought them for her - she loved garden green beans.)  So from first stroke to her homegoing, it was a few days more than 18 months.  My dad faithfully visited her two and sometimes three times daily, and others visited as they could, so I would imagine that every day she had at least one person from the family and community who came to see her, however, I still think of her lying there, day after day after day, night after night going by slowly with no one around except for an occasional nursing staff member to check on her, every day just like the previous one, with no end in sight.  And here I am, a daughter of this mother who suffered so much, impatiently waiting at home for the ok to return to life as normal.  Mom never had that.

Mom, you are after all these years still teaching me, still giving me an example of faith, of hope, of perseverance, and of longing for heaven and all that awaits us.  Your daughter at 61 years of age is still learning from you, and what precious lessons they are!  How grateful I am to be your child, and that you raised me to be someone seeking to know God and to be a part of His family.  And now I can see that my own children are continuing in this faith, and participate in this legacy.  There is no greater joy for me.

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not.
As thou has been, thou forever wilt be.

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness,
Morning by morning, new mercies I see!
All I have needed thy hands have provided,
Great is thy faithfulness!  Lord unto me."

-Words by Thomas Chisholm
-Music by William Runyan
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