I've had cause to think about friendships these past few weeks. It's a tricky thing sometimes, to navigate these relationships because, well, people are people, and, all things are not equal. People choose relationships for different reasons, and sometimes there's a disparity in the give and take that these friendships require. When that happens, oftentimes (at least in my experience) the relationship is doomed to fail, which brings about heartache for one or both parties.
I teach a class at church with about, oh, 15-18 women attending. Some of these women are friends, some are acquaintances. Some are still looking at me as "the teacher" and are not wanting to become more than that. That's perfectly ok because frankly, I tend to screw up friendships one way or another. Job and family life precludes me from having a lot of time to devote to doing "friend" things with people. And, truth be told, people are wary of being a friend with a psychologist. They either find me fascinating or intimidating, neither of which is good for a friendship.
Another sometimes deathblow to a developing friendship is if one of the parties confides in and shares more intimately than what the other person is in the relationship for. This happens to me a lot, that is, people share with me things on a level that I probably don't reciprocate. I was in a friendship one time where the person accused me of never "giving", that she was always the one who had to "give". Actually, I thought it was the other way around because she was always the person who was telling me HER problems and asking me for advice that she never took. Some friendships can be just exhausting!
Currently, I am in a friendship/relationship which as far as I know now, benefits the other person more than it benefits me. I say this unabashedly because we all know what this is like, we just don't talk about it. I say "as far as I know now" because as these persons float in and out of your life, you sometimes can see with 20/20 hindsight how the relationship DID benefit you when it was a part of your life but when you're in the throes of it, it's hard to figure that out.
My "friend without benefits" relationship is a difficult trail to climb. I provide certain things for her, but she does not provide what I need in a friendship, because she can't. She is my age, yet has lived her whole life without ever learning how to view things from someone else's perspective. In this "arrangement" we have, it's all about her and what she needs from me - and I gotta tell you, when I understand the terms and abide by them, we get along fine. When I don't play by her rules then she gets upset, she pouts, and she becomes offended. I'm sure that as you read this you are asking, why are you in a relationship such as this?
Sometimes it's not about us either. Sometimes we do it because we just do it, because you just do what you've been called to do. You love and you try to meet needs, but you must have an understanding of the reciprocation issues in the friendship you are in or these people will cause you grief. I know that she's mad at me now over something that I didn't do that she thought I should have done for her. And she'll get maybe get over it. But in the meantime, I can't lose sleep about it - another person's choices/decisions are theirs alone, as are the consequences.
Next up: Men and Women's Friendships
