Last post, I wrote about physical pain, from an injury to my neck. I expressed great admiration for those who deal with physical pain every single day, and I still feel that way. But recently, I've come to know more acutely, pain that isn't physical in nature. I'm talking about the sharpness of emotions when they are activated in some way by circumstances-and how these feelings can roll up and over like a tidal wave. You know, I'm almost 60 years old and I still work on what seem to be basic issues - keeping my mouth shut and dealing with regret from past mistakes - these are two classes I will never graduate from and it's these two issues that can cause me the most grief.
A third issue - I've been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 or 10 years old. I am steeped in knowedge of who God is, and of what this should mean for me, living my life now. Even with that, I asked this week, "Where were you God, when _________ was, day in and day out, going through such agony in her young life? Were you standing there, just watching?"
I've been reminded again this week of a American pastor who is in prison in Iran because he will not recant his faith. "Where are you God? Just watching him suffer?" I'm not having a crisis of not believing in God. I'm having a crisis of faith, of not being able to find answers. Then suddenly I'm reminded, sometimes the only answer is, "I AM". "Moses, when they ask you who sent you, you tell them, 'I AM' ". So, a ray of faith is born. I AM. That's all I know today.
The worst for any parent, is watching their children struggle. How I wish I could make things better when my kids are called upon to navigate their canoes around rocks and hidden obstacles that come out of nowhere and upset them into the water! But they need to know "I AM". They won't know that the only thing they can cling to is "I AM" if they aren't challenged in life. I understand that, both as a believer and as a parent. But I'm here to tell you, it's painful to watch.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow, as the hymwriter so aptly penned. That's all I've got. And it's all I need.
