Last post, I wrote about physical pain, from an injury to my neck. I expressed great admiration for those who deal with physical pain every single day, and I still feel that way. But recently, I've come to know more acutely, pain that isn't physical in nature. I'm talking about the sharpness of emotions when they are activated in some way by circumstances-and how these feelings can roll up and over like a tidal wave. You know, I'm almost 60 years old and I still work on what seem to be basic issues - keeping my mouth shut and dealing with regret from past mistakes - these are two classes I will never graduate from and it's these two issues that can cause me the most grief.
A third issue - I've been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 or 10 years old. I am steeped in knowedge of who God is, and of what this should mean for me, living my life now. Even with that, I asked this week, "Where were you God, when _________ was, day in and day out, going through such agony in her young life? Were you standing there, just watching?"
I've been reminded again this week of a American pastor who is in prison in Iran because he will not recant his faith. "Where are you God? Just watching him suffer?" I'm not having a crisis of not believing in God. I'm having a crisis of faith, of not being able to find answers. Then suddenly I'm reminded, sometimes the only answer is, "I AM". "Moses, when they ask you who sent you, you tell them, 'I AM' ". So, a ray of faith is born. I AM. That's all I know today.
The worst for any parent, is watching their children struggle. How I wish I could make things better when my kids are called upon to navigate their canoes around rocks and hidden obstacles that come out of nowhere and upset them into the water! But they need to know "I AM". They won't know that the only thing they can cling to is "I AM" if they aren't challenged in life. I understand that, both as a believer and as a parent. But I'm here to tell you, it's painful to watch.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow, as the hymwriter so aptly penned. That's all I've got. And it's all I need.
Saturday, May 04, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Pain
Once again, I am reminded, albeit temporarily, what life is somewhat like for those who live with chronic pain day in and day out. I say "somewhat" because I only have had a glimpse of that life from Sunday to today (Wednesday afternoon), and it is, as they say, only a drop in the bucket compared to what others live with day after day..
I did something to my neck while moving my daughter, and on Sunday morning, I woke up in excruciating agony even doing something as rudimentary as turning my head from side to side. I went to the MEC Sunday afternoon, and he prescribed a stronger Lortab, and Valium. Not helpful to a great degree. Today I talked to the doctor's nurse, who says doc wants to prescribe something other than the Valium, so am taking that, and continuing with the Lortab. One more day of rest, then back to school on Friday.
Pain saps your energy and all your goodwill. It causes you to see things in a skewed way, and being thankful certainly didn't cross my mind. Pain - I hate it. I hope this is temporary, it should be. But how much I've grown to appreciate those who struggle with this every day - and who still carry on with their lives the best they can. I think of Wanda, whose hands and fingers were twisted and crippled by an aggressive form of arthritis - so much so that she was unable to turn a key in a lock by the time she was 55 years old. Wanda would stop by my office when I was a church secretary and she would greet me cheerfully and ask how I was doing. Or my friend "Grandma Warren" - how are you Grandma? I would inquire. She'd look at me with wise old eyes and say, "I'm just agoin' on! How are you dear?" The list of people I know who struggle with physical pain day in and day out could just go on. Me - I've got nothing to gripe about, do I. Best get my mind off of me and on to to Somebody Else. Yeah. I like that plan.
I did something to my neck while moving my daughter, and on Sunday morning, I woke up in excruciating agony even doing something as rudimentary as turning my head from side to side. I went to the MEC Sunday afternoon, and he prescribed a stronger Lortab, and Valium. Not helpful to a great degree. Today I talked to the doctor's nurse, who says doc wants to prescribe something other than the Valium, so am taking that, and continuing with the Lortab. One more day of rest, then back to school on Friday.
Pain saps your energy and all your goodwill. It causes you to see things in a skewed way, and being thankful certainly didn't cross my mind. Pain - I hate it. I hope this is temporary, it should be. But how much I've grown to appreciate those who struggle with this every day - and who still carry on with their lives the best they can. I think of Wanda, whose hands and fingers were twisted and crippled by an aggressive form of arthritis - so much so that she was unable to turn a key in a lock by the time she was 55 years old. Wanda would stop by my office when I was a church secretary and she would greet me cheerfully and ask how I was doing. Or my friend "Grandma Warren" - how are you Grandma? I would inquire. She'd look at me with wise old eyes and say, "I'm just agoin' on! How are you dear?" The list of people I know who struggle with physical pain day in and day out could just go on. Me - I've got nothing to gripe about, do I. Best get my mind off of me and on to to Somebody Else. Yeah. I like that plan.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Post Title
One time someone said, man, the world would be a great place if you just didn't have to deal with ornery people. May I second that motion? Thank you. I'm feeling tonight like I would so enjoy living in a cave somewhere, however, I'm sure that there are those in my circle who feel the same way about dealing with me.
I haven't written in a long time. I have ideas, I have thoughts to share. I just don't have whatever it takes to write regularly - but, it's always helpful to me when I do.
Lent is upon us, and soon, Easter will be here - it comes early this year - the end of March. Lent - I'm not Catholic, but I sometimes participate in giving up certain things during this time. Nothing I can do will ever impress God, or earn my way into His favor, however, it's a spiritual discipline that should probably be practiced.
I just wanted to write here to let someone know I'm still struggling. Still keeping on. Still learning and growing, Still getting exasperated at the human race, and myself. I know no one reads this blog, but that's ok. I'm putting my thoughts out in cyberspace and leaving a footprint - I don't know why. I wish I were more like my sister-in-law. Quiet and contemplative, rarely misspeaking or saying foolish things. Always, her speaking is well-thought out and she offers wisdom. I look and sound like a little girl when I'm beside her. I so dislike myself sometimes.
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I haven't written in a long time. I have ideas, I have thoughts to share. I just don't have whatever it takes to write regularly - but, it's always helpful to me when I do.
Lent is upon us, and soon, Easter will be here - it comes early this year - the end of March. Lent - I'm not Catholic, but I sometimes participate in giving up certain things during this time. Nothing I can do will ever impress God, or earn my way into His favor, however, it's a spiritual discipline that should probably be practiced.
I just wanted to write here to let someone know I'm still struggling. Still keeping on. Still learning and growing, Still getting exasperated at the human race, and myself. I know no one reads this blog, but that's ok. I'm putting my thoughts out in cyberspace and leaving a footprint - I don't know why. I wish I were more like my sister-in-law. Quiet and contemplative, rarely misspeaking or saying foolish things. Always, her speaking is well-thought out and she offers wisdom. I look and sound like a little girl when I'm beside her. I so dislike myself sometimes.
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Sunday, December 16, 2012
Aftermath
I put the following in an email to my sister, then she decided to put part of it on Facebook, which is fine - but as I said to her, actually, this probably should be in a blog post - as I haven't written in several weeks. By the way, my brother is nagging me gently to write, and I appreciate that. I wish I were more diligent. Anyhow, the entirety of the post I wanted to share, edited and including the comments that have already been shared on Facebook are as follows:
I'm somewhat emotional due to the horrific news from CT, and, that although i didn't know her, a fellow school psychologist died - but the children...the evil is too unspeakable. I've had a FB friend post that he never thought he would be scared to send his daughter to school, and I wanted to reply something like this: If something happens at your daughter's school, people like me will not hesitate to lay our lives down for your child, and all the children we serve. I would so do that. It is something that is engrained in us as educators, not taught formally, but in the everyday business of knowing we are responsible for the safety of 48,000 children in this district every day that we come to work. We do the very best we can to protect, anticipate, be on alert, question, and watch. The last time one of my schools was in lockdown status was because someone in the neighborhood called 911 to say they saw a person with a gun walking down the street. All of the classrooms were locked, outside doors were locked, and - who patrolled the halls with walkies, looking out doors and windows, checking closets and bathrooms for the next 30 minutes until all clear? Me and 4 other people. I do not take my responsibilities lightly.
Many people on FB are posting that God has been "kicked out" from public schools. They are clueless. God lives everyday in public schools, through the lives of those who are called by Him to serve. God is present anywhere His people are, and I know some awesome dedicated servants of Christ who tirelessly and fearlessly serve our students. I know many teachers who spend their own money, who give their own time, who comfort, encourage, console, discipline, teach societal rules, and who pray for their students every day. It offends me when people post that God is not in public schools. As Francis Schaeffer titled a book, "God Is There, and He Is Not Silent!"
I'm somewhat emotional due to the horrific news from CT, and, that although i didn't know her, a fellow school psychologist died - but the children...the evil is too unspeakable. I've had a FB friend post that he never thought he would be scared to send his daughter to school, and I wanted to reply something like this: If something happens at your daughter's school, people like me will not hesitate to lay our lives down for your child, and all the children we serve. I would so do that. It is something that is engrained in us as educators, not taught formally, but in the everyday business of knowing we are responsible for the safety of 48,000 children in this district every day that we come to work. We do the very best we can to protect, anticipate, be on alert, question, and watch. The last time one of my schools was in lockdown status was because someone in the neighborhood called 911 to say they saw a person with a gun walking down the street. All of the classrooms were locked, outside doors were locked, and - who patrolled the halls with walkies, looking out doors and windows, checking closets and bathrooms for the next 30 minutes until all clear? Me and 4 other people. I do not take my responsibilities lightly.
Many people on FB are posting that God has been "kicked out" from public schools. They are clueless. God lives everyday in public schools, through the lives of those who are called by Him to serve. God is present anywhere His people are, and I know some awesome dedicated servants of Christ who tirelessly and fearlessly serve our students. I know many teachers who spend their own money, who give their own time, who comfort, encourage, console, discipline, teach societal rules, and who pray for their students every day. It offends me when people post that God is not in public schools. As Francis Schaeffer titled a book, "God Is There, and He Is Not Silent!"
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Canna Bulbs
This morning I spent some time digging canna bulbs out of my little raised garden bed. As you may know, this summer was not good for cannas. It turned way too hot, way too fast. Only two bulbs produced blooms all summer and the rest of them sent up these sick looking stems with leaves which wilted and dried out in the summer heat, even though I watered them as much as I did the tomatoes growing a few feet away. This was the first year for these bulbs as I bought them "new" at Valley Feed and Seed. One hot morning last summer my brother stopped over, and looking at the sorry state of the cannas said, "Well, this is the first year. They won't do very well." He was making a good effort to console me.
So today, I decided to dig them up and winter them at his place because the bulbs are not winter hardy for this area. He's going to store them for me in exchange for a few of them to plant in his own yard. Next year, I have a different place in mind to plant them, so I'm going to give it another go and see what they do.
What's the point of this rather boring post? Well, it is this: As I was digging them up, I noticed new growth. There were new shoots coming from new bulb growth - they looked like they thought it was spring and they were ready to greet the new season. I was surprised at how the bulbs had grown underground, how many deep roots there were, and how they had multiplied the number of points that stems will come up next spring. All this was happening right under my nose and I didn't know it until I got out there and unearthed them.
In many areas, I think, we are surface examiners. We take things at face value without knowing what's underneath, and our greatest tendency is to do that with people. If someone looks a little different and talks a little different, we form our judgements. If someone has mental health issues God forbid, we are quick to determine if they are a worthy employee, or, worse, a worthy friend. If someone is homeless, we wonder what's wrong with them and why they can't have a roof over their heads like "everyone else". With every person you know, there's a soul, a spirit, and many times, a creativity born of original thinking that we do not realize is there because we don't bother - and we don't bother because our prejudices have already spoken.
Don't be like me, someone who was surprised about the canna growth that took place underground where I didn't bother to look until now. Be a gardener in the dirt, yes, but be a gardener of people too.
So today, I decided to dig them up and winter them at his place because the bulbs are not winter hardy for this area. He's going to store them for me in exchange for a few of them to plant in his own yard. Next year, I have a different place in mind to plant them, so I'm going to give it another go and see what they do.
What's the point of this rather boring post? Well, it is this: As I was digging them up, I noticed new growth. There were new shoots coming from new bulb growth - they looked like they thought it was spring and they were ready to greet the new season. I was surprised at how the bulbs had grown underground, how many deep roots there were, and how they had multiplied the number of points that stems will come up next spring. All this was happening right under my nose and I didn't know it until I got out there and unearthed them.
In many areas, I think, we are surface examiners. We take things at face value without knowing what's underneath, and our greatest tendency is to do that with people. If someone looks a little different and talks a little different, we form our judgements. If someone has mental health issues God forbid, we are quick to determine if they are a worthy employee, or, worse, a worthy friend. If someone is homeless, we wonder what's wrong with them and why they can't have a roof over their heads like "everyone else". With every person you know, there's a soul, a spirit, and many times, a creativity born of original thinking that we do not realize is there because we don't bother - and we don't bother because our prejudices have already spoken.
Don't be like me, someone who was surprised about the canna growth that took place underground where I didn't bother to look until now. Be a gardener in the dirt, yes, but be a gardener of people too.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
To Think
Do you believe, generally speaking, there's a whole culture in this country of people who do not know how to think? The art of thinking is not really talked about much, at least in my little tiny corner of the world. Maybe where you live and function people know how to use their brains productively, but I postulate that people many times surrender the task of thinking to others to do it for them. This is true in many arenas - politically, in the workplace, and of course, in religion. Why do we seem to have a lack of great thinkers such as C.S. Lewis, Francis Schaeffer, A.W. Tozer and Oswald Chambers? Or are they out there, and I just don't know where to look?
I have started listening some to Bott Radio Network, 94.3. A variety of speakers present programs, some are thought provoking and some are a little like cotton candy. I have found that I enjoy thinking about, and listening to the challenges presented by people like Alistair Begg, Erwin Lutzer, and Ravi Zacharias. In fact, his show is called, "Let My People Think". On his website, he lists some beginning reading materials for those who are interested in apologetics - or, "the art and science of Christian persuasion: communicating the relevance, coherence, and reasonableness of the Christian Gospel to skeptics, cultural influencers, and critical thinkers across the globe." (from Ravi Zacharias' website, http://www.rzim.org/about/.
John Bunyan, Pilgrims Progress
Daily Light on the Daily Path (collection of Bible readings)
Gordon Fee and Douglas Stuart, How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth
Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters
J.I. Packer, Knowing God
Roger Steer, George Muller: Delighted in God
John Stott, The Cross of Christ
John White, The Fight
Brother Yun, Heavenly Man
Ravi Zacharias, The Grand Weaver: How God Shapes Us through the Events of Our Lives
Have you read any of these?
Anyhow, my son gave my husband a book called, "Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God" by John Piper. The purpose of the book: "This book is a plea to embrace serious thinking as a means of loving God and people. It is a plea to reject either-or thinking when it comes to head and heart, thinking and feeling, reason and faith, theology and doxology, mental labor and the ministry of love. It is a plea to see thinking as a necessary, God-ordained means of knowing God. Thinking is one of the important ways that we put the fuel of knowledge on the fires of worship and service to the world." (From the introduction, Page 15). I'm interested in this book, and in learning how to think. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I encourage YOU to sit somewhere, and just, "think". Who knows what may happen next...
I have started listening some to Bott Radio Network, 94.3. A variety of speakers present programs, some are thought provoking and some are a little like cotton candy. I have found that I enjoy thinking about, and listening to the challenges presented by people like Alistair Begg, Erwin Lutzer, and Ravi Zacharias. In fact, his show is called, "Let My People Think". On his website, he lists some beginning reading materials for those who are interested in apologetics - or, "the art and science of Christian persuasion: communicating the relevance, coherence, and reasonableness of the Christian Gospel to skeptics, cultural influencers, and critical thinkers across the globe." (from Ravi Zacharias' website, http://www.rzim.org/about/.
John Bunyan, Pilgrims Progress
Daily Light on the Daily Path (collection of Bible readings)
Gordon Fee and Douglas Stuart, How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth
Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters
J.I. Packer, Knowing God
Roger Steer, George Muller: Delighted in God
John Stott, The Cross of Christ
John White, The Fight
Brother Yun, Heavenly Man
Ravi Zacharias, The Grand Weaver: How God Shapes Us through the Events of Our Lives
Have you read any of these?
Anyhow, my son gave my husband a book called, "Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God" by John Piper. The purpose of the book: "This book is a plea to embrace serious thinking as a means of loving God and people. It is a plea to reject either-or thinking when it comes to head and heart, thinking and feeling, reason and faith, theology and doxology, mental labor and the ministry of love. It is a plea to see thinking as a necessary, God-ordained means of knowing God. Thinking is one of the important ways that we put the fuel of knowledge on the fires of worship and service to the world." (From the introduction, Page 15). I'm interested in this book, and in learning how to think. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I encourage YOU to sit somewhere, and just, "think". Who knows what may happen next...
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Weekend Comfort
I did not feel very well this weekend. I'm fighting allergies, running nose and watery eyes, sneezing, etc. Everything I take for the symptoms makes me tired and groggy. Blech. But, one must move on with life, musn't one. I took TWO, count them, TWO naps on Saturday, and still went to bed at my normal time and slept all night. Waking up today - I felt better, so off to church, lunch with kids, etc. There is comfort in routine, isn't there.
So let's see - took Lyd to the dog park on Saturday where she promptly got into a tussle with Rebekah's dog, Zowie. This after she had done so well there before with other dogs she didn't know. My daughter, the dog whisperer, is going to see if she can get them to get along - I don't know if I can watch or not. Their next session is next Saturday. Anyone want to come and watch?
Coming up this week we have conferences and early release at one school, but a normal schedule at the other. Then the next week, it's the opposite. I hope we have a good parent turnout for conferences. It does my morale good to see concerned parents come in and have intelligent conversations with school staff about their kids.
So there's "stuff" going on everywhere I live. "Stuff" with family, "stuff" at church, "stuff" at work. Reminds me of this song:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
Hope the week ahead is filled with blessings, and not just "stuff" for you. God bless.
So let's see - took Lyd to the dog park on Saturday where she promptly got into a tussle with Rebekah's dog, Zowie. This after she had done so well there before with other dogs she didn't know. My daughter, the dog whisperer, is going to see if she can get them to get along - I don't know if I can watch or not. Their next session is next Saturday. Anyone want to come and watch?
Coming up this week we have conferences and early release at one school, but a normal schedule at the other. Then the next week, it's the opposite. I hope we have a good parent turnout for conferences. It does my morale good to see concerned parents come in and have intelligent conversations with school staff about their kids.
So there's "stuff" going on everywhere I live. "Stuff" with family, "stuff" at church, "stuff" at work. Reminds me of this song:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
Hope the week ahead is filled with blessings, and not just "stuff" for you. God bless.
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