This morning a friend took me to breakfast before she had to be at school, and we played catch up. I now know all the news, shared while we laughed and ate together. She brought me some things from school staff, including a card signed by all of them and a gift card - how appreciative I am of those who are reaching out to me. They are all so busy and things are so hectic right now so I am doubly blessed.
So after all this there is no conclusive evidence to point to what happened to me. I can't believe that my insurance company is going to pay Wesley tens of thousands of dollars and there's not an answer to why I lost consciousness. I am relieved, but am puzzled. Thankfully, I am going to back to work January 4, however it seems I'm always thinking about it, hoping that it won't happen again.
We had our family Christmas gift exchange yesterday. The old man and I so much enjoy watching our kids and kid in laws interact as friends. Much of the time, we just observe them and marvel that they all get all so well. The gifts that were given were thoughtful - they have truly learned the art of giving. Of course, the "star" of the show was our grandson, who certainly knows how to rip paper off of packages. That was almost more fun than what was contained in the box. He enjoyed playing with his first remote controlled vehicle - a little train that wheeled around on grandma's kitchen floor.
Speaking of Christmas, have you given yourself time to think about and ponder the meaning behind our celebrations? The Eternal Son came wrapped in human flesh, born helpless and dependent - His life exemplifying sacrificial love from day one. In my class at church yesterday, we "pondered" the entire chapter of Luke 2, and discussed the only record of Jesus' early years recorded in the gospels. Several times Luke says, "Mary pondered these things in her heart."
We need to spend more time pondering and less time pontificating. More time praying and less time stewing about what we can't change. More time thinking about how we need to meet God on His terms and less time about what our rights are. The life we choose to lead when we choose obedience and adherence to a holy calling is difficult and not for the fainthearted. Following up on commitment takes time and energy, and an understanding that it's not about self, nor about what we gain. It's about what the kingdom of God gains when we give it all up for Him.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Mom
Thirty years ago this December, my mother went to heaven to be with Jesus. I think about her a lot, even daily at times, in spite of the fact that this event happened in 1985. She was stricken with a stroke in June of 1984 and appeared to be able to benefit from rehabilitation, however, another stroke occurred a few weeks later which caused so much damage that she never again would speak, walk, sit, eat, or take care of her own needs. She communicated with eyegaze and at times could squeeze your hand, but this depended on the day. A vivid memory I have is on a day that my sister was here to visit, and came to say goodbye. As Linda walked out the door , mom turned her head to follow her, her brow furrowed, and tears flowed from her eyes. I hadn't at that point seen her turn her head, but I had from time to time seen moisture on her face. At times, she was so aware of people around her but so unable to communicate - however, I think in this instance, she willed herself to try to express what she was feeling.
So today, I woke up and thought of her. I was already bemoaning the long day which stretched before me - I am here pretty much alone from early morning on - and I wasn't looking forward to it. But then, thoughts of mom came to the surface. For more than a year, she laid in a bed, totally dependent on others to help take care of her every need, even moistening her mouth with swabs because it became very dry and she was not able to swallow anything. (The last food I saw her eat was some green beans from her garden I brought her in the hospital after her first stroke. "These are good!", she told me. I remember thinking I was so glad I brought them for her - she loved garden green beans.) So from first stroke to her homegoing, it was a few days more than 18 months. My dad faithfully visited her two and sometimes three times daily, and others visited as they could, so I would imagine that every day she had at least one person from the family and community who came to see her, however, I still think of her lying there, day after day after day, night after night going by slowly with no one around except for an occasional nursing staff member to check on her, every day just like the previous one, with no end in sight. And here I am, a daughter of this mother who suffered so much, impatiently waiting at home for the ok to return to life as normal. Mom never had that.
Mom, you are after all these years still teaching me, still giving me an example of faith, of hope, of perseverance, and of longing for heaven and all that awaits us. Your daughter at 61 years of age is still learning from you, and what precious lessons they are! How grateful I am to be your child, and that you raised me to be someone seeking to know God and to be a part of His family. And now I can see that my own children are continuing in this faith, and participate in this legacy. There is no greater joy for me.
"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not.
As thou has been, thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness,
Morning by morning, new mercies I see!
All I have needed thy hands have provided,
Great is thy faithfulness! Lord unto me."
-Words by Thomas Chisholm
-Music by William Runyan
_
So today, I woke up and thought of her. I was already bemoaning the long day which stretched before me - I am here pretty much alone from early morning on - and I wasn't looking forward to it. But then, thoughts of mom came to the surface. For more than a year, she laid in a bed, totally dependent on others to help take care of her every need, even moistening her mouth with swabs because it became very dry and she was not able to swallow anything. (The last food I saw her eat was some green beans from her garden I brought her in the hospital after her first stroke. "These are good!", she told me. I remember thinking I was so glad I brought them for her - she loved garden green beans.) So from first stroke to her homegoing, it was a few days more than 18 months. My dad faithfully visited her two and sometimes three times daily, and others visited as they could, so I would imagine that every day she had at least one person from the family and community who came to see her, however, I still think of her lying there, day after day after day, night after night going by slowly with no one around except for an occasional nursing staff member to check on her, every day just like the previous one, with no end in sight. And here I am, a daughter of this mother who suffered so much, impatiently waiting at home for the ok to return to life as normal. Mom never had that.
Mom, you are after all these years still teaching me, still giving me an example of faith, of hope, of perseverance, and of longing for heaven and all that awaits us. Your daughter at 61 years of age is still learning from you, and what precious lessons they are! How grateful I am to be your child, and that you raised me to be someone seeking to know God and to be a part of His family. And now I can see that my own children are continuing in this faith, and participate in this legacy. There is no greater joy for me.
"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not.
As thou has been, thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness,
Morning by morning, new mercies I see!
All I have needed thy hands have provided,
Great is thy faithfulness! Lord unto me."
-Words by Thomas Chisholm
-Music by William Runyan
_
Monday, December 14, 2015
Day 14
I'm starting my 3rd week of being off work. I feel pretty good almost all the time, and would like to go back, but am waiting on the doctor to look at all of the slides from the tests I had at Wesley and tell me what he thinks happened. I hope to hear from him today. In the meantime, I wait.
I could be all mature and tell you what I've learned so far, but it's a work in progress. One thing I know - I'm an independent person and it's been hard for me to ask for rides or other accommodations. I would much rather be the person that gives to someone else - not that I'm so altruistic but because frankly, it's easier I think. The other thing is that I have to work hard at staying in a routine and on a schedule. I find it difficult to find "meaningful" work when I'm here at home, so having things planned to do, even though I don't necessarily WANT to do them, helps.
My study through the Psalms is continuing. We're studying David's life in my class at church and knowing the background for some of the Psalms he wrote is interesting. Lots of honest sometimes gutwrenching emotion there, lots of painful plaintive crying out to God is present in his writings. Thanks be to God these writings were preserved for us today and are so meaningful to so many.
Today I think of those I know who are in far worse circumstances than I find myself in and my prayers are for them.
I could be all mature and tell you what I've learned so far, but it's a work in progress. One thing I know - I'm an independent person and it's been hard for me to ask for rides or other accommodations. I would much rather be the person that gives to someone else - not that I'm so altruistic but because frankly, it's easier I think. The other thing is that I have to work hard at staying in a routine and on a schedule. I find it difficult to find "meaningful" work when I'm here at home, so having things planned to do, even though I don't necessarily WANT to do them, helps.
My study through the Psalms is continuing. We're studying David's life in my class at church and knowing the background for some of the Psalms he wrote is interesting. Lots of honest sometimes gutwrenching emotion there, lots of painful plaintive crying out to God is present in his writings. Thanks be to God these writings were preserved for us today and are so meaningful to so many.
Today I think of those I know who are in far worse circumstances than I find myself in and my prayers are for them.
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
Verse for Today
"Praise be to the Lord,
to God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens. "
Psalm 68:19
to God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens. "
Psalm 68:19
Day Seven Post Brain Reboot
Recovery is going slow but well - it's baby steps every day. This never happens at a fast enough pace no matter what the injury - and part of it is to just learn to be patient and wait for healing to come.
I'm walking ok except for some veering in other directions and some balance issues. Speech/commnication is still a bit odd and not quite "normal" - sometimes it seems to take me awhile to find words particularly mid sentence just in social conversation. I'm also having some sensory issues but not to the extreme - I've found that taking naps when my body is tired helps with that. All in all, it could be worse and as I said yesterday, I am profoundly grateful.
Doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I'm going to try to see my district supervisor to discuss work related issues. Also I will try to make it to church for Wednesday night dinner, so it'll be a full day.
On the schedule today - playing the keyboard and just doing some housework. I'm trying to work the crossword puzzle in the paper and just practice walking. It's such nice weather that I might try to walk down the sidewalk to the end of the block and back.
Encouragement for today comes from Lamentations:
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail,
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
It is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:22-26 NIV
Monday, December 07, 2015
Why me?
Dear God, I just want to ask you a question, which is, why me? Don't misunderstand, not why me in the sense of, why is this happening to me, but - the opposite - why did this brain thing happen to me in just exactly the right place at exactly the right time?
Why was I not careening down Kellogg at 60+mph going to or from a school or downtown? Why was I not babysitting my grandson alone, or why not a million and one other scenarios that are so dreadful and so tragic that I can't even think about them without my heart breaking?
Why did you look down on your millions of children and know what was going to happen to my little brain, and then orchestrate this event in such a way that there was no trauma to anyone else, nor was there worse injury to me?
I am overwhelmed with grief and sorrow at what could have been - it washes over me in waves. The words "grateful" and "thankful" do not begin to describe my heartfelt gratitude to the Almighty Maker of heaven and earth, to the Creator of all and the Author of my redemption - how amazing and wonderful you are. I know You know me. I am reminded of an Old Testament passage - of Hagar saying, "I have now seen the God Who sees me." Hagar gave God this name - El Roi - the God who sees.
In recent events, there's so many people who have been innocently going about their life's responsibilities when suddenly, out of nowhere, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, there is gut wrenching agony for those who loved them. Most of the time, life doesn't make sense.. And so, what choice for me but to rest in your unchanging grace no matter what happens to me, my family, or my brothers and sisters around the world. Your faithfulness is great, you are a God who keeps all your promises. My best and only recourse is to trust in You no matter what happens or doesn't happen. This place is not my home, but you are the God who sees.
"His oath, his covenant, his blood,
Support me in the whelming flood,
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay."
Verse 3, "The Solid Rock", by Edward Mote
Why was I not careening down Kellogg at 60+mph going to or from a school or downtown? Why was I not babysitting my grandson alone, or why not a million and one other scenarios that are so dreadful and so tragic that I can't even think about them without my heart breaking?
Why did you look down on your millions of children and know what was going to happen to my little brain, and then orchestrate this event in such a way that there was no trauma to anyone else, nor was there worse injury to me?
I am overwhelmed with grief and sorrow at what could have been - it washes over me in waves. The words "grateful" and "thankful" do not begin to describe my heartfelt gratitude to the Almighty Maker of heaven and earth, to the Creator of all and the Author of my redemption - how amazing and wonderful you are. I know You know me. I am reminded of an Old Testament passage - of Hagar saying, "I have now seen the God Who sees me." Hagar gave God this name - El Roi - the God who sees.
In recent events, there's so many people who have been innocently going about their life's responsibilities when suddenly, out of nowhere, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, there is gut wrenching agony for those who loved them. Most of the time, life doesn't make sense.. And so, what choice for me but to rest in your unchanging grace no matter what happens to me, my family, or my brothers and sisters around the world. Your faithfulness is great, you are a God who keeps all your promises. My best and only recourse is to trust in You no matter what happens or doesn't happen. This place is not my home, but you are the God who sees.
"His oath, his covenant, his blood,
Support me in the whelming flood,
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay."
Verse 3, "The Solid Rock", by Edward Mote
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