Last post, I wrote about physical pain, from an injury to my neck. I expressed great admiration for those who deal with physical pain every single day, and I still feel that way. But recently, I've come to know more acutely, pain that isn't physical in nature. I'm talking about the sharpness of emotions when they are activated in some way by circumstances-and how these feelings can roll up and over like a tidal wave. You know, I'm almost 60 years old and I still work on what seem to be basic issues - keeping my mouth shut and dealing with regret from past mistakes - these are two classes I will never graduate from and it's these two issues that can cause me the most grief.
A third issue - I've been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 or 10 years old. I am steeped in knowedge of who God is, and of what this should mean for me, living my life now. Even with that, I asked this week, "Where were you God, when _________ was, day in and day out, going through such agony in her young life? Were you standing there, just watching?"
I've been reminded again this week of a American pastor who is in prison in Iran because he will not recant his faith. "Where are you God? Just watching him suffer?" I'm not having a crisis of not believing in God. I'm having a crisis of faith, of not being able to find answers. Then suddenly I'm reminded, sometimes the only answer is, "I AM". "Moses, when they ask you who sent you, you tell them, 'I AM' ". So, a ray of faith is born. I AM. That's all I know today.
The worst for any parent, is watching their children struggle. How I wish I could make things better when my kids are called upon to navigate their canoes around rocks and hidden obstacles that come out of nowhere and upset them into the water! But they need to know "I AM". They won't know that the only thing they can cling to is "I AM" if they aren't challenged in life. I understand that, both as a believer and as a parent. But I'm here to tell you, it's painful to watch.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow, as the hymwriter so aptly penned. That's all I've got. And it's all I need.
Saturday, May 04, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Pain
Once again, I am reminded, albeit temporarily, what life is somewhat like for those who live with chronic pain day in and day out. I say "somewhat" because I only have had a glimpse of that life from Sunday to today (Wednesday afternoon), and it is, as they say, only a drop in the bucket compared to what others live with day after day..
I did something to my neck while moving my daughter, and on Sunday morning, I woke up in excruciating agony even doing something as rudimentary as turning my head from side to side. I went to the MEC Sunday afternoon, and he prescribed a stronger Lortab, and Valium. Not helpful to a great degree. Today I talked to the doctor's nurse, who says doc wants to prescribe something other than the Valium, so am taking that, and continuing with the Lortab. One more day of rest, then back to school on Friday.
Pain saps your energy and all your goodwill. It causes you to see things in a skewed way, and being thankful certainly didn't cross my mind. Pain - I hate it. I hope this is temporary, it should be. But how much I've grown to appreciate those who struggle with this every day - and who still carry on with their lives the best they can. I think of Wanda, whose hands and fingers were twisted and crippled by an aggressive form of arthritis - so much so that she was unable to turn a key in a lock by the time she was 55 years old. Wanda would stop by my office when I was a church secretary and she would greet me cheerfully and ask how I was doing. Or my friend "Grandma Warren" - how are you Grandma? I would inquire. She'd look at me with wise old eyes and say, "I'm just agoin' on! How are you dear?" The list of people I know who struggle with physical pain day in and day out could just go on. Me - I've got nothing to gripe about, do I. Best get my mind off of me and on to to Somebody Else. Yeah. I like that plan.
I did something to my neck while moving my daughter, and on Sunday morning, I woke up in excruciating agony even doing something as rudimentary as turning my head from side to side. I went to the MEC Sunday afternoon, and he prescribed a stronger Lortab, and Valium. Not helpful to a great degree. Today I talked to the doctor's nurse, who says doc wants to prescribe something other than the Valium, so am taking that, and continuing with the Lortab. One more day of rest, then back to school on Friday.
Pain saps your energy and all your goodwill. It causes you to see things in a skewed way, and being thankful certainly didn't cross my mind. Pain - I hate it. I hope this is temporary, it should be. But how much I've grown to appreciate those who struggle with this every day - and who still carry on with their lives the best they can. I think of Wanda, whose hands and fingers were twisted and crippled by an aggressive form of arthritis - so much so that she was unable to turn a key in a lock by the time she was 55 years old. Wanda would stop by my office when I was a church secretary and she would greet me cheerfully and ask how I was doing. Or my friend "Grandma Warren" - how are you Grandma? I would inquire. She'd look at me with wise old eyes and say, "I'm just agoin' on! How are you dear?" The list of people I know who struggle with physical pain day in and day out could just go on. Me - I've got nothing to gripe about, do I. Best get my mind off of me and on to to Somebody Else. Yeah. I like that plan.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Post Title
One time someone said, man, the world would be a great place if you just didn't have to deal with ornery people. May I second that motion? Thank you. I'm feeling tonight like I would so enjoy living in a cave somewhere, however, I'm sure that there are those in my circle who feel the same way about dealing with me.
I haven't written in a long time. I have ideas, I have thoughts to share. I just don't have whatever it takes to write regularly - but, it's always helpful to me when I do.
Lent is upon us, and soon, Easter will be here - it comes early this year - the end of March. Lent - I'm not Catholic, but I sometimes participate in giving up certain things during this time. Nothing I can do will ever impress God, or earn my way into His favor, however, it's a spiritual discipline that should probably be practiced.
I just wanted to write here to let someone know I'm still struggling. Still keeping on. Still learning and growing, Still getting exasperated at the human race, and myself. I know no one reads this blog, but that's ok. I'm putting my thoughts out in cyberspace and leaving a footprint - I don't know why. I wish I were more like my sister-in-law. Quiet and contemplative, rarely misspeaking or saying foolish things. Always, her speaking is well-thought out and she offers wisdom. I look and sound like a little girl when I'm beside her. I so dislike myself sometimes.
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I haven't written in a long time. I have ideas, I have thoughts to share. I just don't have whatever it takes to write regularly - but, it's always helpful to me when I do.
Lent is upon us, and soon, Easter will be here - it comes early this year - the end of March. Lent - I'm not Catholic, but I sometimes participate in giving up certain things during this time. Nothing I can do will ever impress God, or earn my way into His favor, however, it's a spiritual discipline that should probably be practiced.
I just wanted to write here to let someone know I'm still struggling. Still keeping on. Still learning and growing, Still getting exasperated at the human race, and myself. I know no one reads this blog, but that's ok. I'm putting my thoughts out in cyberspace and leaving a footprint - I don't know why. I wish I were more like my sister-in-law. Quiet and contemplative, rarely misspeaking or saying foolish things. Always, her speaking is well-thought out and she offers wisdom. I look and sound like a little girl when I'm beside her. I so dislike myself sometimes.
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